After the tears

After the tears have fallen and dried on you cheeks

the feeling of emptiness enters your soul

Like the tears dried you all out

left a pitch black hole

After the anger subsides and the pain has left

the hole inside makes you into nothing

Like the anger took all of you away

left an empty being

After everyone turned their backs

you have no hope

you could just as well cut

or use the rope.

A persons value

Been thinking a lot about how people look at themselves.

Some look only at what kind of partner they managed to get....how pretty or successful he or she is.

Or how much money they earn or what status they have in society.

Others are consumed with their own looks or status...or how much money they make.

Not sure if that's something that brings happiness, they all appear to be very insecure and lost. Looking for something that isn't there.

I try to do my best and hopefully that is enough for the people around me, and if it isn't....well then I cant do anything about it. For me the inside of a person is much more interesting than how much money or status they have.

I look at my self...and all I see is someone who is trying hard....trying to make the world a better place and trying to give my kids what they need.

I try to do everything I do with all my heart, regardless of consequences and without hesitating.

How I look really don't matter....cause it is only the surface, what matters is the inside and my inside is pretty nice.

But still I fail. No matter how hard I try....its never enough. I give up....I´m not going to try no more. I´ll stay in my corner. Do what people ask. Returning to the "I don't matter area", a place that is safe and secure....that I know well.

As long as I focus on taking care of everyone else without looking at how I feel and what I need...i do fine....so lets stay there....at least I wont fail all the time........I´ll only fail myself.

Death

Sometimes its like I cant even think of anything else.

The idea of just letting go and giving up feels so appealing, it would be so easy to just end it all.

No more pain.

No more fear.

No more tears.

Had it not been for the kids....

I cant take much more now though.....please let things go my way now. Let me be loved and cared for. Let me feel safe.

Getting lost in translation

Filled with fear

With self-contempt

Hate myself

It powers the agony

I cant think

I have no value

Chaos rules

Everything inside and out

Don't want to always

Remain where I am

Haunted by the restlessness

Its true though I swear...

Its not easy translating poetry....a lot gets lost in translation.....

Jealousy

Sometimes you feel that sting...the pain of dark emotions. You may hide it from the rest of the world but it still makes you mind turn into a dark black hole that can be very hard to get out of.

Its so stupid, cause you don't own another person, you cant put any claims on him or her....all you can do is hope they will love you back and stay faithful.

Still, emotions you cant control, you can only keep them inside and hide them from the outside world and not let anyone know how you feel.

The same with sadness, you can hide your tears and only cry alone....but you cant stop your soul from feeling the feelings.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have any emotions. That I wasn't plagued by feelings...cause I have to many feelings and they tend to overwhelm me all the time. I wish I could go through a week and not feel....not feel pain, fear, jealousy, anger, sadness......the downside is that I wouldn't feel joy or love either....but right now.....I think that would be better.

Going through my life....looking at the major events that lead to today has been so painful and it has opened up so many things I had successfully put the lid on. My dreams are killing me and the flashbacks will destroy me if I cant get them in check soon. I´m ready to crawl back into my closet and hide....but I know that if I do I may never come back out.

I fight to stay above the surface....and as usual I don't tell anyone.....I don't ask for help and I try my best to hide how bad I feel. Since very few read this I still dare to open up here.....I have to let it out.....reveal to myself how I feel.....it may help in the long run.

We all had those moments of doubt, when someone say something or do something that makes you wonder if you ever knew them. I have a friend that did that to me this morning.....

Made me think though.....

So much has happened in such a short time and I don't regret one little thing, cause I can finally say that I am happy.

But I did get this email this morning and I will cut and paste a short part of it....and you will see what I mean.

" I love the person you used to be, but I do not know this new Lizzie, you are stranger to me. I miss my lovely Lizzie from the past. I do not know you now.

I wish you well Lizzie, and I will not bother you again, get in touch if you want, is up to you, I am still upset that you have changed so much. "

Yes, I have changed.....I´m no longer trapped in my own pain, hiding inside....and a real friend should be happy....right?