Familytimes and Familyties

Don't you love the words? It sounds so loving and cozy.

In fact its a word full of pain for a lot of people, for many reasons.

It can be cause of bad memory's and it can be cause of lack of ties between family members.

Especially this time of year.

In the end it really doesn't matter why, the pain is there and its real anyway.

Within family's there is room for so much disappointment, so much anger and frustration.

There is so many things that could be wrong and if people don't want to work past the stuff, well its better to move on.

They say forgive and forget....and I do believe in the forgive part....but I honestly don't think you can ever forget. Could I ever forget what has been done to me? No I don't think I can, I can forgive and move on, but never forget.

Then you grow up, the old family....the biological one you are born into is one you can leave to make a new family. Some look back and keep the connections, some don't and there can be many reasons for this. I have a feeling that either way there is a lot of pain that will go with the choice. If you try to keep the connection there will be memory's and pain, and if you move on and leave there will be feeling of loss. I honestly don't know if one is better than the other,

I know I´m letting biological family go, not cause I don't love them. Not cause I don't want them in my family but because they give so much more pain than its worth.

I have enough hard stuff to deal with, I cant spend my time defending myself from their accusations. Cause there is a lot of things you don't go around talking about to everyone. Especially to people who proclaims they don't care. And I know that they will be here reading, trying to find out what I´m not telling them, but this blog isn't about that, and its not about them....its about me and my emotional journey. If my words offend...well...not really my problem, you did click pass the warning in the beginning.

I face a whole new set of challenges in my life, I believe things happen for a reason though so I embrace my new future and have decided to move forward with hope and faith.

The bad will be turned into something good and no matter what, i am like a cat, I usually land on my feet.....and if I don't I usually survive the fall.

Life does take you on a wild ride at times and it gives you surprises around every corner.

I will live my life now and not in some future I don't know and I will try to make all my dreams come true. I owe that to myself. If someone has a problem with that...well keep it to yourself, I am old enough to make my own choices and i do believe I have that right.

I have had so many hard years, so much pain and so much to deal with. It turned me into someone I no longer want to be. If you cant deal with it, then get out of my life....and I mean get out, don't sit and check up on me and talk behind my back....just leave....go.....and live your own life.

So many friends have already said, I don't recognize you, I don't know you anymore.....and hell yes....they do have a point...cause I´m no longer the same....I have done a lot of work with my ghosts from the past.....and.....I like the new me better.....much better.

If you don't, to bad.

Sitting.....wondering.....how soon will I get my answers.

The balls are slowly falling into the baskets where they belong. Looks like my dreams for Christmas can become reality and not just dreams....as long as the ones handling that case works fast. But...it should be done very very soon.

Should take the kids with me to the police station....renewal of passports.....that has to be done anyways....

Been a crappy day

And its going to end a crappy day.

Felt rejected all day. Still feel the rejection but honestly not sure if its my bad self-confidence or reality speaking.

Some of the rejection is there, that I know....but that rejection is there every day of the year and has been for as long as I can remember.

The rest might just be me being oversensitive so I wont make a fuss....if it is...I´m sure to find out pretty soon regardless.

But today is a crappy day....started ok...but went down hill really fast.

Getting stronger and weaker at the same time

Not sure whats happening at the moment.

Good things are happening.

I am suddenly more able to say no, even when the guilt card is played.

I got good news yesterday.

But then other areas appears to be falling into pieces......I wish I didn't feel like they where....but I do.

Usually I can sense that kind of stuff....and I feel it so strong right now....

Well...if I´m right I´ll most likely talk a lot about it in the near future.

I feel today....and most of it is a bunch of mixed emotions....

I have a lot to be happy for.....but if my senses are right I wont have anyone to share the joy with...and then...whats the point.

I guess I´ll just go back into my closet.....but if I do.....I´ll remain there.

I feel so lost

I don't know how....I really don't know how to get past all the negative feelings I carry in me at the moment.

So much frustration..... disappointment and grief.

Yes...ok then...possibly some anger to.

My childhood that was no childhood but a time of fear, neglect and abuse.

I don't even know what was worse...

Its like it was just different parts of my hell, not that I minded much when told to watch my siblings.....but seriously, would you leave a 6 year old to watch an overactive 3 y/o that had anger management issues and an infant?

Would you have you 8 year old help you do laundry so you could let her take over full time at 10?

Would you let your 10 year old pick up the siblings at daycare and begin dinner?

I know I wouldn't.

If I add everything, I have to conclude.....I didn't have a childhood. I had to grow up to fast and still today I often feel like I´m almost a parent to my parents and its not until recently I even gave it a second thought.

Shifts the balance a whole lot.

If you are a bit frail and insecure its really easy that it becomes an unhealthy relationship where one part uses the other really bad.

Somehow it feels like I have to end this negative spiral of continued abuse...cause it is a form of abuse.

And I let it happen....I allow it....and I really don't know how to stop

Will I?

Someone very smart told me a thing today.....he said that all of my posts has one thing in common, that is to survive.

He is very smart.....one of the smartest people I know (and he is really cute to) and I value what he says.

And...I guess he is right....he usually is....

But...and there is always a but with me...can I? Will I?

I know one thing....I am trying.....

As usual it comes down to the same old question....is that enough?

So far I have survived.....I have survived a lot....but it is not without a cost.

The scars are there, some of them are not even scars....they are infected wounds that starts bleeding as soon as you touch them just a little.

Family is one of those wounds. I love my family, they are dysfunctional but they are my family.

I need them, but somehow they have never been there for me. I wish that they could love me for me...and not just for what I can do for them.

For the money they can loan or the help I can provide. But they never did and I´m beginning to think they never will. Some way or another i have to heal that wound, turn it into a scar instead of a puss-infected deep cut that keeps making me feel worthless.

Its time to move on (not that I have a clue as of how to do it but still) and move forward.

Its time for me to get a life that treats me well. For some reason i have a feeling I will be writing this again....and again.....until I find a way to leave it behind.

Its so stupid though......I usually tell everyone that they deserve love, that they deserve happiness, so how come I have such a hard time taking my own advise? It is a good one.....

Being me

Being me is not the easiest, all emotion....and so much all the time.

I get dragged down deep by the dark ones....struggling to not end it.

Its so hard to explain....cause I really don't want to end it....I have so much good in my life and still I feel so useless....

It feels like everyone would be so much better off without me, like I´m a burden that people carry cause they feel sorry for me....and I don't want pity.

I hear people say they need me......and even if I know they wont lie to me....it still feels like they have to be wrong. Why would anyone want me? I´m pretty pointless most of the time.

The kids depend on me though, and I´m trying to become a better person every day....so one day I may be worthy of peoples love....

Life....

As tears fall

as smiles are shared

as both joy and pain mix

Life goes on

yours is twined with others

some gives pleasure

As tears fall

some cause you hurt

some as an expression of pure joy

Feelings

Feelings.....so strong

they take over me

overwhelm me

always wrong

Feelings....makes me cry

rush through me

floods me

control them...I try

Feelings.....good and bad

fills up all of me

drowns me

makes me both happy and sad

Giving in, giving up

Giving in

loosing track

Giving up

help me back

Letting go

I´m still trying

Letting down

I´m crying

Fighting still

want to leave this place

Fighting hard

surviving in this space