Pain

Words, cut through a heart like the sharpest knife.
They tear you apart and hurts.
Darling I´m so sorry, I do realize that my words could be interpreted an a way I didnt intend them.
My own words to my self is most likely doing as much damage....and I guess I should say I´m sorry for that to...but I know that if I do I will soon apologize for existing to...
Been there, done that.....feel that already.

My words should be kept inside. I should not speak. I sometimes wonder if I should even allow myself to exist. Maybe the world would then be a better place?

I tend to complicate things and I take things to serious. I feel.....to much.
Maybe its all just wrong. Maybe I´m all wrong.

Maybe....its finally time.

The time to finally end it all and let the pain end. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Then.....I would never have been able to hurt you my darling. And no and yes and maybe.....nothing would change anyway. Perhaps I´m just frustrated and confused and scared.

Sounds like me....dont it? Right now I´m not sure about much. I know I love and I hope you still love me.....but right now my tears are burning the backside of my eyelids and my heart bleeds from the cuts my own stupidity created.
For what its worth, I am really really sorry....and I didnt express myself in a good way.

Finding the truth

Once again...its painfully clear that I´m not nor will I ever be.......good enough. I alienate thoose I love and I am never able to do enough. I should suck it up and go on...perhaps even pretend to be good enough...and yet....the hole inside me will still be there.

I will continue to try my best. And....I will continue to fail.....cause my best isnt good enough, I was broken many years ago and by now I doubt I could ever be fixed.

Everything I have learned, that I believe is appears to be wrong. If all is wrong, then I´m wrong and nothing I took for granted can be right. My head is running one million miles an hour and I´m getting more and more confused.

A few things I still believe.....I believe I am loved (still dont believe that I deserve being loved but still) and I do believe that we all should try and be the best we can.....and that that alone is good enough (for everyone but me of course....cause no matter how hard I try I cant give myself that credit).

Right now....I´m in pieces, thoughts running through my head that I know I have to fight....but the idea of swallowing thoose pills and letting everything go.....is so tempting at the moment.....there would be no more pain, no more confusion for me. I fight it....cause I know I would create a lot of more confusion to everyone else.

I guess i should curl up in a corner and hide from the world until I can sort my confused brain out...but I dont think I would ever come back out.....so if you dont see me again or hear from me again....you know where I went.....into that dark corner.....