Redtape

How I hate redtape...but finally that part is sorted. Now we need to find someone to preform the service...
How I hate waiting.

Oh...I hate a few other things to.....but not going there today.

But let me tell you all one thing......fighting kids...... absolutely sucks

Moving forward

My life keeps moving forward.....there is hope....but I am impatient a lot....I want everything....and I want it now.
Don´t tell me to be patient.....I don´t know what that is...sure I can spell the word...but that´s about it.

In the last few years...so much good has happened...and I want more....like a vacuum sucking up everything cause every part of me needs to be refilled with good things...good feelings.

I slowly learn to expect people to be nice. To anticipate nice events and not just tragedy and it feels good. I would´nt have believed it though.....but I have it....right here and right now.

Wondering

With my dark and gloomy past.

I fear trust I will even get luck.

I fear my happiness wont last.

I fear I´ll be stuck.

Sitting here, feeling insecure, uncertain.
Feeling like things wont be.
Thinking that once again it will end in pain.
All....cause I am just me.

Not good enough in the long run.
Once again I feel like I will fail.
Ending up just being used for some fun.
Better go hide under the veil.

Crying on the inside, not showing what I feel.
Pretending its all as it should.
Loosing my spins on the wheel.
I feel more, would explain if I could.

I know I am loved, its just time runs so fast.
Things left to do, pieces to put in place.
Don´t want it to end, want it to last.
Kind of feel a little lost in space.

I still hope, in my darling I have faith and trust.
But things can still go wrong.
We both love and lust.
I want to end up where I belong.

Frustrated

Why does time move so slow when you are waiting for something? 10 more days.....and it feels like forever

Pain

Words, cut through a heart like the sharpest knife.
They tear you apart and hurts.
Darling I´m so sorry, I do realize that my words could be interpreted an a way I didnt intend them.
My own words to my self is most likely doing as much damage....and I guess I should say I´m sorry for that to...but I know that if I do I will soon apologize for existing to...
Been there, done that.....feel that already.

My words should be kept inside. I should not speak. I sometimes wonder if I should even allow myself to exist. Maybe the world would then be a better place?

I tend to complicate things and I take things to serious. I feel.....to much.
Maybe its all just wrong. Maybe I´m all wrong.

Maybe....its finally time.

The time to finally end it all and let the pain end. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Then.....I would never have been able to hurt you my darling. And no and yes and maybe.....nothing would change anyway. Perhaps I´m just frustrated and confused and scared.

Sounds like me....dont it? Right now I´m not sure about much. I know I love and I hope you still love me.....but right now my tears are burning the backside of my eyelids and my heart bleeds from the cuts my own stupidity created.
For what its worth, I am really really sorry....and I didnt express myself in a good way.

Finding the truth

Once again...its painfully clear that I´m not nor will I ever be.......good enough. I alienate thoose I love and I am never able to do enough. I should suck it up and go on...perhaps even pretend to be good enough...and yet....the hole inside me will still be there.

I will continue to try my best. And....I will continue to fail.....cause my best isnt good enough, I was broken many years ago and by now I doubt I could ever be fixed.

Everything I have learned, that I believe is appears to be wrong. If all is wrong, then I´m wrong and nothing I took for granted can be right. My head is running one million miles an hour and I´m getting more and more confused.

A few things I still believe.....I believe I am loved (still dont believe that I deserve being loved but still) and I do believe that we all should try and be the best we can.....and that that alone is good enough (for everyone but me of course....cause no matter how hard I try I cant give myself that credit).

Right now....I´m in pieces, thoughts running through my head that I know I have to fight....but the idea of swallowing thoose pills and letting everything go.....is so tempting at the moment.....there would be no more pain, no more confusion for me. I fight it....cause I know I would create a lot of more confusion to everyone else.

I guess i should curl up in a corner and hide from the world until I can sort my confused brain out...but I dont think I would ever come back out.....so if you dont see me again or hear from me again....you know where I went.....into that dark corner.....

Getting ready to Rock´n´Roll

Sitting, all ready in my mind.
Kids are departuring
then time to unwind

Putting in time for pleasure
some time just for me
making my mind all nice and pure

Then ready for a long night
hours in waiting
in the morning I´m off on my flight

My secret garden

My secret garden is a place in my mind, a place that one was that is no more. a place where I was always safe and always loved.
That place is sented with lilac´s and coffee in a wonderful blend.
Some day soon I think that place will be replaced with a new place, one that still exist.

My heart longs for that feeling....that I lost so many years ago....and since I got my hope and my dreams back...I hope to get that to....

Into the abyss

When you fall into the abyss,
down into the pitch black hole.
There is not a ray of light that finds it way down.
You fall deeper and deeper.
You find yourself trapped in the labyrinth of thoughts that got you there in the first place.
You can cry, you can scream...
but it wont do you any good....
cause noone hears you anyway....
not from deep down in the abyss.
The thoughts drags you deeper....
you start thinking about the blade....
the blade that has all the power....
and still....
you know its not the answer.
If you do take the blade in your tiny hands
If you use them to release the anxiety and pain....
you will start the second spiral further into the abyss....
Who can save you from there?
And still.....
you keep falling deeper into the abyss.....
you softly cry.....and noone hears.

Christmas

Trapped and dislocated for 3 days, we ended up stopped dead in our tracks at Heathrow. Everyone was kicked out of the terminals so getting information and new tickets was not possible. Everyone was sent to some white tents outside without seats and without food or water (and for that matter bathroom facility's)

After a few hours of getting sent from one person to the other, all with new information that didn't add to what I had gotten before I was angry. At that point I was starting to get the right information and when I finally got through to the airline company I was told that the next flight for us would be on the 30th...this was on the 22nd. That was not an option...sitting in that tent over Christmas and one of the kids birthdays......

Didn't accept that of course and by then I wasn't accepting not being let into the terminal...cause I had to in order to get out of there and go back home. After a lot of arguing with the security guard 8and the police he summoned) I was finally let back in with the kids...to be met by a "We cant get you any flights to Scandinavia before the 26th....not acceptable...so I ask..well what about other airports in the UK?

He found a flight the next evening (25 hours away) and we took them, even if they only took us to Copenhagen. We went by bus to Birmingham and slept (kind of) at the airport....and did manage to get on the plane that was overbooked. Arrived in Copenhagen at night....plane was late and the last bus had already gone.

We took the train to Malmoe and spent that night in a chilly waiting room with no doors.

We did get on the train (it was overbooked so we should really not have been able but thanks to the fact that the ticket machines being offline the rules gave us that opportunity. During that day only one train made it to the capitol from the south (the one we where on).

Once in the capitol we had originally planned to get off.....but it happened to be the same train that would take us home (or almost home) so we stayed on board...lucky that cause that was also the only train that made its destination...4 hours late but at least arriving.

My dad picked us up at the train station and we left the kids home so I could go buy food....and went home to get the tree up and cook... I created a few miracles and got us home and got Christmas set up in less than 5 hours....yepp...I did...don't bloody ask how......cause I don't know.....

Still eager to go....still planning the trip...but it will be without kids....cause it will be for only a week.

I need to go...I need to go now...

Wanna come babysit?