Last update

May 31 my mom died
May 29 my "dad" sends a message out to my brothers to get in touch with my sister, as he wants to gather "his"kids in this hour of need.

He confirmed my feelings of not being his in the worst way possible.....at the worst time possible.

It will be ok

Somehow it will be ok......but it hurts

Not posted in a long while....

Yeah, I have been silent a long time....not felt like I had anything to say...cause it felt like I was over and done with the past....then I get a visit from my aunt and uncle.....
We had a very nice talk. They brought back a lot of good memory's.....but they also took me back....to my younger years. It brought on a lot of thoughts....let me tell the story....

You all read about my abusive stepfather, the one who was all over me and tried to rape me right. My mom has kept her mantra, I did not know....I did not understand.....now I had forgiven her for all that.....and then I find out she told all of the family, aunt, uncle, grandma and grandpa and all else around to not listen to me...to not believe me if I started telling such stories.....4 years before I even told her what was going on.

Now wait a minute....how did that work with I did not know.....

So fuck that (excuse my language). She is full of lies and I am done.

I started the next phase of my life.....and I am going to put that behind me. I left my homecountry and moved to my husband and my life has to much joy for me to contaminate it with that, neither will I let my dads lies and gossip after I moved hurt me. I am done.

Got everything I ever dreamed of, life is good. I am done with this blog I think.....cause I am where I dont need to move forward to something better anymore....I am there.
I am where I can sleep. I don't dream horrible nightmares. I feel safe and I feel loved.

Now I wish all my readers a great life...and a wonderful future, who knows...I might write again......but then it will be about something else.....not so dark.

Or.....I will do as a few asked...take this and fill in the rest and write a book.

Redtape

How I hate redtape...but finally that part is sorted. Now we need to find someone to preform the service...
How I hate waiting.

Oh...I hate a few other things to.....but not going there today.

But let me tell you all one thing......fighting kids...... absolutely sucks

Moving forward

My life keeps moving forward.....there is hope....but I am impatient a lot....I want everything....and I want it now.
Don´t tell me to be patient.....I don´t know what that is...sure I can spell the word...but that´s about it.

In the last few years...so much good has happened...and I want more....like a vacuum sucking up everything cause every part of me needs to be refilled with good things...good feelings.

I slowly learn to expect people to be nice. To anticipate nice events and not just tragedy and it feels good. I would´nt have believed it though.....but I have it....right here and right now.

Wondering

With my dark and gloomy past.

I fear trust I will even get luck.

I fear my happiness wont last.

I fear I´ll be stuck.

Sitting here, feeling insecure, uncertain.
Feeling like things wont be.
Thinking that once again it will end in pain.
All....cause I am just me.

Not good enough in the long run.
Once again I feel like I will fail.
Ending up just being used for some fun.
Better go hide under the veil.

Crying on the inside, not showing what I feel.
Pretending its all as it should.
Loosing my spins on the wheel.
I feel more, would explain if I could.

I know I am loved, its just time runs so fast.
Things left to do, pieces to put in place.
Don´t want it to end, want it to last.
Kind of feel a little lost in space.

I still hope, in my darling I have faith and trust.
But things can still go wrong.
We both love and lust.
I want to end up where I belong.

Frustrated

Why does time move so slow when you are waiting for something? 10 more days.....and it feels like forever

Pain

Words, cut through a heart like the sharpest knife.
They tear you apart and hurts.
Darling I´m so sorry, I do realize that my words could be interpreted an a way I didnt intend them.
My own words to my self is most likely doing as much damage....and I guess I should say I´m sorry for that to...but I know that if I do I will soon apologize for existing to...
Been there, done that.....feel that already.

My words should be kept inside. I should not speak. I sometimes wonder if I should even allow myself to exist. Maybe the world would then be a better place?

I tend to complicate things and I take things to serious. I feel.....to much.
Maybe its all just wrong. Maybe I´m all wrong.

Maybe....its finally time.

The time to finally end it all and let the pain end. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Then.....I would never have been able to hurt you my darling. And no and yes and maybe.....nothing would change anyway. Perhaps I´m just frustrated and confused and scared.

Sounds like me....dont it? Right now I´m not sure about much. I know I love and I hope you still love me.....but right now my tears are burning the backside of my eyelids and my heart bleeds from the cuts my own stupidity created.
For what its worth, I am really really sorry....and I didnt express myself in a good way.

Finding the truth

Once again...its painfully clear that I´m not nor will I ever be.......good enough. I alienate thoose I love and I am never able to do enough. I should suck it up and go on...perhaps even pretend to be good enough...and yet....the hole inside me will still be there.

I will continue to try my best. And....I will continue to fail.....cause my best isnt good enough, I was broken many years ago and by now I doubt I could ever be fixed.

Everything I have learned, that I believe is appears to be wrong. If all is wrong, then I´m wrong and nothing I took for granted can be right. My head is running one million miles an hour and I´m getting more and more confused.

A few things I still believe.....I believe I am loved (still dont believe that I deserve being loved but still) and I do believe that we all should try and be the best we can.....and that that alone is good enough (for everyone but me of course....cause no matter how hard I try I cant give myself that credit).

Right now....I´m in pieces, thoughts running through my head that I know I have to fight....but the idea of swallowing thoose pills and letting everything go.....is so tempting at the moment.....there would be no more pain, no more confusion for me. I fight it....cause I know I would create a lot of more confusion to everyone else.

I guess i should curl up in a corner and hide from the world until I can sort my confused brain out...but I dont think I would ever come back out.....so if you dont see me again or hear from me again....you know where I went.....into that dark corner.....