Once again...its painfully clear that I´m not nor will I ever be.......good enough. I alienate thoose I love and I am never able to do enough. I should suck it up and go on...perhaps even pretend to be good enough...and yet....the hole inside me will still be there.
I will continue to try my best. And....I will continue to fail.....cause my best isnt good enough, I was broken many years ago and by now I doubt I could ever be fixed.
Everything I have learned, that I believe is appears to be wrong. If all is wrong, then I´m wrong and nothing I took for granted can be right. My head is running one million miles an hour and I´m getting more and more confused.
A few things I still believe.....I believe I am loved (still dont believe that I deserve being loved but still) and I do believe that we all should try and be the best we can.....and that that alone is good enough (for everyone but me of course....cause no matter how hard I try I cant give myself that credit).
Right now....I´m in pieces, thoughts running through my head that I know I have to fight....but the idea of swallowing thoose pills and letting everything go.....is so tempting at the moment.....there would be no more pain, no more confusion for me. I fight it....cause I know I would create a lot of more confusion to everyone else.
I guess i should curl up in a corner and hide from the world until I can sort my confused brain out...but I dont think I would ever come back out.....so if you dont see me again or hear from me again....you know where I went.....into that dark corner.....
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