I feel so lost

I don't know how....I really don't know how to get past all the negative feelings I carry in me at the moment.

So much frustration..... disappointment and grief.

Yes...ok then...possibly some anger to.

My childhood that was no childhood but a time of fear, neglect and abuse.

I don't even know what was worse...

Its like it was just different parts of my hell, not that I minded much when told to watch my siblings.....but seriously, would you leave a 6 year old to watch an overactive 3 y/o that had anger management issues and an infant?

Would you have you 8 year old help you do laundry so you could let her take over full time at 10?

Would you let your 10 year old pick up the siblings at daycare and begin dinner?

I know I wouldn't.

If I add everything, I have to conclude.....I didn't have a childhood. I had to grow up to fast and still today I often feel like I´m almost a parent to my parents and its not until recently I even gave it a second thought.

Shifts the balance a whole lot.

If you are a bit frail and insecure its really easy that it becomes an unhealthy relationship where one part uses the other really bad.

Somehow it feels like I have to end this negative spiral of continued abuse...cause it is a form of abuse.

And I let it happen....I allow it....and I really don't know how to stop