Disappearing

The night before midsummer ( a huge day of celebrations in Sweden) my parents have a party, in itself nothing unusual. They got very drunk, still nothing unusual.

Dad goes out for a walk, as he often does but this time he didn't come home. After a few hours my mom asks me to take my bike and ride around the community to search for him.

I searched for hours...

Finally I came home again, hoping he had returned but he hadn't.

Midsummers-eve comes, dad is still not home so mom asks my grandparents to drive us to the celebration. We all go but non of us is having fun.

Where is he, is he still alive, what happened?

So many questions and no answers. As far as we knew he could be dead somewhere.

When we returned that afternoon there was a note on the table. Dad had been home. He was alive.

It read that he needed to figure some things out and return to us later.

What we didn't know then was that he had made another woman pregnant.

The whole summer he used to call me in the morning, begging me to stay at home so he could come home to explain. He never showed.

The fall comes near, my mom starts seeing one of the men who never could keep his hands of my body. Being home becomes harder and harder. One night as I sit watching TV he comes in and pin me down to the sofa. His hands are all over me and he manages to get my pants down. My t-shirt is ripped into pieces and I feel so exposed, so violated. I manage to get out of the livingroom and lock myself into the bathroom. I sit there in the dark until my mom returns home.

I never say anything. I was so ashamed. Somehow I felt it was my fault.

I call my dad and ask if I can come live with him and his new woman. When he asks why i just say I´m not getting along with moms new guy.

Life is better for a while. Dad still drinks to much. His new woman is weird. But I dont have to worry at night, I´m safe in my bed.