Returning to hell.

As I once again find myself under the same roof as my step-dad my mom has a surprise for me on my return, she got a dog for me. The dog is used to abuse and in desperate need of security and so am I so we quickly become best friends. She stays in my room and in my bed making me feel safe.

Where ever I go she follows.

Its nice to be with my siblings again but as I see my sister growing I get more and more worried that he will start moving in on her to. Lucky for her she isn't developing as fast as I did.

Almost a whole year passes without him even trying to touch me and I´m starting to feel that its over, that I can feel safe.

Then one day when I come home from school he is home.

I don't know why but there is something in the air, a feeling of danger maybe but I quickly make my excuses and take the dog for a long walk. I was hoping my mom would return by the time I came home. She didn't.

I go into my room and as I just closed the door as he opens it, so fast I fly across the room. He grabs me and yet again I find myself in the same situation as before, he tries to rip my clothes off. This time I get help, the dog attacks him to protect me and I use the only escape-route I can access, I jump out the window. I was lucky enough not to break any bones in the fall.

So I managed to get up after jumping out from 3 stories up and got myself to the bus. Went in to town intending never to return.

I choose to live on the streets, it wasn't good but it was better than what I left behind. I have 2 weeks left until my 14th birthday.

On the streets I made friends, they became my new family. Some of my old friends stayed in my life and helped when they could. On a lucky day I could sleep at a friends house, be able to use a shower and get a hot meal. On a bad day I slept in the subway tunnel, crying myself to sleep.

Social services got wind of the situation and tried to place me in group-homes. That didn't work out, in my country there was only mixed group-homes and for me to be the only girl with 14 boys it was torture. The others there was not like me, they had criminal records, they used drugs and they looked at girls like objects. They all tried. Once again I found that I wasn't safe in my own bed at night so I ran, back out on the streets cause even if it wasn't perfectly safe I had more control over what happened.

The police found me time after time and returned me to the group-home but I left as soon a I could and headed back out on the streets.

On the streets I fell in love for the first time of my love. He was a little bit older than me. Dark tall and handsome. His hair was long and curly and he was what you call a bit of a bad boy. He had a dog to and through that dog he got close to me.

We used to go for walks with this dog of his and hold hands. I was still very innocent despite the things I had been through. had not even kissed a boy. He was the one who gave me my first kiss.

One day he asked me to go with him and his friends to one of the major parks in town, I was happy and went along. All was nice and they drank a little wine, they asked me but I declined.

He kissed me and everything was great for a second.

Suddenly I find myself pinned down and his friends help him hold me down as he pull my pants down. I couldn't comprehend that it was happening. In a park in the middle of the day. I scream no and people just walk by. Some stands looking, maybe cause they got scared or maybe they liked watching, I do not know. All I know is that it added to my shame, to my feelings of guilt and helplessness.

He rapes me. Violates me and when he is done he lets his friends take turns.

After this my mind is totally blank for two days. I do not know where I have been or what I have done. Its just totally black.

A friend of mine finds me and takes me to her home and in the hot shower I try to get clean.

I still cant remember much. But I feel dirty.

A few months later i miscarry twins. Shortly after that I try to end my miserable existence.

I take a bottle of pills. To be sure its going to work I take 100. 10 is an overdose that can kill a grown man. I swallow it with a bottle of vodka. I then walk down to the subway, the plan is to get in front of a subway-train. I collapse in the escalator on my way down and the police find me unconscious.

An ambulance arrives and on the way to the hospital my heart stops beating. I had just turned 15.

I´m revived thanks to the ambulance guy who wouldn't give up. He felt I was worth saving and kept trying to get my heart to beat.

Once at the hospital they managed to get pulse and breathing but it was touch and go for over a week before I opened up my eyes. I was disappointed.

After this I didn't care, I was the one taking all the risks but didn't let anyone come close. If you tried to hug me you would get a kick or a punch...

I did my very best to keep people as far away cause i knew you couldn't trust them, especially not males.

I drank a lot of alcohol. I tried to forget. Not that it worked but when I was really drunk I didn't dream so much. The nightmares was really giving me a hard time.

I moved in at my moms again, she had a new boyfriend and I hoped it would be better.

I got a job and things looked brighter. I had just turned 17.

For a while it was better. But nothing lasts.