Life does go on

About a year ago the first child was returned home. When he came home again the wheels started spinning very fast and the last child was reunited with us about 7 months ago.

Their disability's makes it hard, I´m not going to lie about it but I manage.

My main goal now is to stabilize them and make them feel safe and feel that it is trust people.

Its not an easy task. Especially since I have had major trust issues my whole life.

Secondary goal is to help them become young men that can take responsibility for them self's.

The stalker is back. I have seen him. He´s been on my porch and outside my kitchen window, he has tried to get through the door. I´m not going to let him scare me into hiding again, but I carefully lock doors and windows at night. I see the car standing out side, watching.

I have come so far, the road up to here has been really difficult. If there is a Lord in heaven it should be my turn to get some happiness now. I want to believe that, I really do.

I have met someone. Someone who greatly changed the way I look at things and the way I look at myself. Still not sure that someone can really love me but I do believe him when he tells me he does. I did change my mind on so many things I was so certain of. I was so certain I would spend the rest of my life alone, now I hope for so much more. I was really set to never re marry, now I dream of a beautiful summer wedding. I was so sure no one would ever make me smile.

Me the one who is always so serious, lately I have smiled so much I have a cramp in my face.

My heart tumbles, my body tingles and my dreams are full of love and hope. That in it self is really, really scary.

Yes, still insecure. Yes, still wounded but I have begun my road to healing.

I still have nightmares, but now I wake up being saved instead of in a state of panic dripping in cold sweat. One day I may not have them at all.

I think I will be ok, I hope I do get the happiness I so hope for but I still doubt that I´m good enough.

And I do know the simple fact. In my life good usually turns to bad, just as soon as I begin to hope. And I do hope now. Lets see where the ride takes us.