Starting over

Moving to a bigger city. I can hide in the crowded squares although its still giving me a lot of discomfort. i still cant stand in lines at the store but I can pretend that I´m OK.

I start at the university a week before the baby turns 1 years old.

I lead a simple life. I go out to play on the yard with my kids every day. Either in the morning before classes or after school. I spend all evenings studying. I am alone but its something I have chosen.

At night I sit in the backroom with blinds down and hides, the stalker is back. Sitting outside in his car.

One morning he grabs me and throws me in a bush trying to rip my clothes off, I manage to kick him and get loose. I learn different routes to school as he waits for me if I take the same path twice. I try to keep myself safe.

One day as I´m out playing with the kids a neighbour starts talking to me. I´m distant but polite.

From that day he says hi when we meet on the street.

One day he rings the doorbell, asks me if I have any cigarettes, he is all out and the store is closed.

I let him in and we end up drinking coffee. We sat there talking for a few hours and it was the beginning of the next phase of my life.

I didn't know that then but this man was going to make things so much worse.

I was 26 years old and he was 16 years older than me. He was an American living in Sweden, big deal people say but the cultural differences are actually pretty big. If you add the age difference there is a lot of things that can go wrong.

He was the kind of man that was a real bully, it was his way or the highway. Do as I say or suffer.

With my history I turned even more submissive and silent.

When I was 6 months pregnant with our first child I came home to soon, I was lucky to catch an earlier bus and found him sitting my the stove smoking cannabis. I had no idea, I was shocked and upset but arguing with him was no option.

He told me we should get married. I just let it happen.

Now that I knew about his habit he started taking out his anger on me when he ran out of drugs. I started saving money in hidden places so I could make him calm in those situation.

At this time I started loosing weight. I had the baby, another son and kept loosing weight.

The doctors could not find anything that could cause the weight loss, however, they did find cancer and when the baby was 18 months old I went through chemo.

I was so weak, couldn't even stand up. My ultimate low in weight landed on 82 pounds. I was skin and bones and people said I was transparent.

After chemo my immune system was not working so I ended up with pneumonia after pneumonia.

My husband was very frustrated over my inability to do the household work, he kept screaming and calling me names and since I just stood there silent he started to get physical. I cant count the times he threw me into the wall or pushed me so I fell. I lost count on the things he threw that hit me or the wall next to me.

I did everything he asked me to. If he wanted sex we had sex. If he wanted a 3 course dinner, we had that. If he wanted me to sit on the balcony in mid winter with barely no clothes, I did that. The worst he ever did was force me into the cold shower and when I was soaked he put me on the balcony, mid winter and when he let me in my clothes was solid ice.

The cancer reared its ugly head again and I had surgery to remove the bad cells. They caught it early so I didn't have to go through more chemo. My immune system had improved slightly but my weight was still way to low.

He wanted another baby. I agreed, the kids was the only good thing in my life so I really felt I wanted one more.

After a very difficult pregnancy I gave birth to a tiny 5 pound boy. He was not full term.

I had no idea that life soon would change again.